Dysphoria

Gender Identity Disorder(GID) -

1. A disorder in which a male or female feels a strong identification with the opposite sex(Web MD.)
2. Disorder in which there is a deeply felt incongruence between anatomic sex and the sensed gender; transsexualism and gender identity disorder of childhood are examples.(Davison/ Abnormal Psychology, Canadian Edition.)
3. Is the formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe persons who experience significant gender dysphoria (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). It is a psychiatric classification and describes the problems related to transexuality, transgender identity, and transvestism. It is the diagnostic classification most commonly applied to transexuals.

So that last definition was kind of different, in that it listed Gender Dysphoria as part and parcel of GID. Today I would like to talk about the feelings I have surrounding MY gender dysphoria. This may or may not be applicable to other trans women or men, as it only reflects my personal experience with it.

It sort of begins way down in my gut, somewhere below my heart. Feels like a discontent, almost like an itch you cant scratch, or a lump in your throat. Like the feeling you had when you were a kid and the other kids went somewhere with out you. Like being left out of a group you desperately want to belong to. It also feels like your skin is too tight, too confining, too restrictive. A deep restlessness.

Sometimes it only is an itch, other times it can drive you to tears. And always in the back of your head there is that thought/feeling of 'I should be female(male.)' That thought is always with us, its like a song you cant shake out of your head, the lyrics keep replaying themselves in your memory. You know what your body is on the outside, but on the inside it feels all wrong. You may even be able to recognize that you don't look horrible as your natal sex. At its worse you can feel like there is no point to life, at its best you'll be able to push it aside for a while and think about other things.

Many transexuals do just that (push it aside) for the majority of their lives. While they pursue hobbies, careers and other , entirely male(or female) lives. Still the thoughts persist, pushing at the back of your consciousness. Some of us struggle with these feelings without ever realizing what they are, entirely while others recognize the need to be female at an early age. Just like anything in the human experience, there are always exceptions to the rules.

I hope that gives those of you who read this some idea of what its like